Lovely Complex

 "I hope you find someone who will make you happy." It's so loud inside my head tonight, if I'll ever find happy again.  Sheryl D x

Dear Sheryl,  I would like to dedicate this letter to you, for the times I've chosen to ignore and deny how you really feel inside, for the times I thought you'd be fine to handle yourself by sweeping everything to a corner. You've kept it all inside trying to act strong at most part, that I did not realised those act from triggers were manic episodes, slow steps that could have lead to the misery deep hole of depression. I'm sorry for not placing you and your happiness on priority lane among everything that I do, think, or decide on with.  I'm sorry for putting you in a difficult spot for yourself, that I made you stuck at the past with endless re-runs of memories that has ended - it had consumed most of you silently that made it worst.  I'm sorry for always giving you second thoughts with what-ifs, and focusing on what you solely wants to hear (lying to myself) even though that is not how it should be.  Just because you wanted to hear "yes" as the an...

If anybody would wonder how I have been so far...  Been living life at its most, thinking about the many different experiences that I’ve yet to get to.  Just came back from my tioman trip with my friends and brother. The lovely clear ocean, the sound of waves, the hiking, the waterfall, the bumpy road drive, and most importantly the gather and bond connection we had together through nature with almost zero wifi connection, was simply wonderful.  The ferry ride back was a very remarkable one. We did not expect a storm at all, and so the boat was super rocky and painful. We sat right at the first row of seat, were happy about the extra legroom... just didn't expect the storm and a rocky boat part at all. The front rows are usually the rockiest anyone can feel! Held in tightly to not vomit, two of my friends gave in.  And funnily in that rocky moment, a sudden realisation came into me. That I am doing exactly as what someone has told me once before that... life goes on....

So this Covid-19 pandemic hit has made me come back to this space again. Malaysia has entered its third phase (the sixth week) of movement control order. It is an uncertain time, and until the next government announcement this movement control order decision to be lifted or extended will only be known. For the past 5 weeks of partial lockdown, work is still as usual for me as fnb is an essential service. It’s only half a day in the office to settle some work to get things going, so it’s pretty alright with myself.  Regardless, I had a lot of time to myself after work are settled. I binged watch on movies and dramas that I missed, cried a lot with k-dramas, been cooking a lot and then amazes with myself when the dishes turn out better than expected, well I’m also on my bed most of the time hahahah. In between of those things, I take pauses to gather thoughts and to reflect upon. Looking right out to the sky through this big piece of window in my room with my earphone on, c...