An Apology Letter to Myself

Dear Sheryl, 

I would like to dedicate this letter to you, for the times I've chosen to ignore and deny how you really feel inside, for the times I thought you'd be fine to handle yourself by sweeping everything to a corner. You've kept it all inside trying to act strong at most part, that I did not realised those act from triggers were manic episodes, slow steps that could have lead to the misery deep hole of depression.

I'm sorry for not placing you and your happiness on priority lane among everything that I do, think, or decide on with. 

I'm sorry for putting you in a difficult spot for yourself, that I made you stuck at the past with endless re-runs of memories that has ended - it had consumed most of you silently that made it worst. 

I'm sorry for always giving you second thoughts with what-ifs, and focusing on what you solely wants to hear (lying to myself) even though that is not how it should be.  Just because you wanted to hear "yes" as the answer, it does not mean that "no" can be discounted to "maybe" and that "maybe" might proceed to a "yes" finally. The answer "No" is simply just "NO".  Learn to accept, and don't complicate things. 

I'm sorry for not giving you a chance to be a weakling on many things, that you ended up hurting yourself instead. When you needed help of others, I tend to tell you "let's not trouble or bother anyone as much as possible". Yes I agree with that statement but I hope you wouldn't restrain yourself that much to ask for help when you really needed to - let loose. 

I'm sorry for holding you back from expressing your feelings to others, that I thought you'd look silly by showing feelings to others, that you forgot to show the human side of yours by restraining the feelings, gestures, and expressions just to appeared cool and strong. It's okay to admit that you're crying because it hurts, because it matters. It's okay to show someone how much you like them, or ask them a little more... you won't appear silly or nosy. I wish you learn to stop caring how you'll appear to people, learn to stop rationalise everything. You're a human after all. 

Life's a process, don't beat yourself up so much. 

You've did what you needed to do for the very last time, to free yourself from this overdue wound. What should be seal had been sealed nicely for the better comings. Every end is just leading you nearer to where you should be. 

I hope it'll all be about you and your happiness onwards. This time, we'll see the light again. 


Sincerely, 

Sheryl D x


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